Tag: grief

away

Pillows around my body to assure rest

Surely somewhere there is a heart beating

Through the wiring and pangs of death

Will I always feel you with me?

Did you have to break me?

So terribly and deeply,

Pull at the scab blending, into skin.

The winding and melting of our limbs.

Guess you were a mate of my soul.

Hoped that you’d be mine to hold,

And keep just a little while longer.

Maybe if I were a little stronger,

I could sip from your glass have full,

Be the one to push when you pulled.

Grandmother’s Table

Chapter One

She pulled over at the front of her house. It was raining, that misty light rain showering the sidewalk. The back window was rolled down, so that Kobe, her four year old Labradoodle, could hold his head out the window.

She had to finish this text. She would send it, he would think she was crazy, say “Okay” or maybe put up some resistance. But ultimately he would leave. She’d tested him enough. If he couldn’t get past her whirlwind of thoughts, emotions and high expectations, how could he manage the father of her children?

Ahmad would have to believe her. He would have to trust her, if they were to ever have anything more. Taliah couldn’t help but push him away, so she tapped away…

I feel like I wanna end things with us. I am so triggered by small things. When I’m with you things are so awesome then after a few days I’m anxious. This could be for many reasons, but would primarily include the marriage I was in. That’s why I have gone back to therapy.

Nonetheless, I thought that aspect of feelings would go away this second time around with you. I felt I could handle this type of relationship with you. And really I can’t. So, I find myself in the same space as before.

You have been so patient and gracious with me. How I behaved at the party was very embarrassing. And at the same time reminded me of how I was treated for many years. I felt like I became the person who hurt me so badly.

Is this dramatic? Yes, but my feelings be so strong. Anyways, you’re living the single childless life and it’s like your friend said…I have baggage. It doesn’t feel like baggage to me since everyone has some, but I get it. I can’t do the limbo thing with you, even though that’s what people do nowadays. It’s stressful and as much as I want you, I don’t want to be stressed. Maybe I’m archaic and an anti-feminist but this is not for me. This literally makes me feel crazy.

Should she send it? Before he had cancelled their plans together, Taliah was already on edge. These guys were either crazy, ridiculous or boring. Dating felt like being greased up with Aquafor and pushed down a 100ft metal slide. Just today, she dropped two serial texters within the last four hours.

But she felt better now. Maybe she’d save the message and talk to him about her feelings later. Ahmad had a rough day and since he’d told her that he’d be out of touch the next few days, she saved it in her notes and texted,

Hope you have a better night.

She felt like a dumbass.

Click

I’m still not sure if I want to engage

in this play

Of exploitation and capitalism

If I tapped out right now

Finally took a bow

Leaving behind nepotism’s prison

suddenly then came the hit

Like finally something clicked

And I saw all I wanted in you.

The synchronicities are uncanny

You meet me where I’m lacking

Pushing aside my greatest fears

The pursuit and your need to have me near

You ask if this is too much

And I think it’s more than enough

Delaying gratification to satisfy

A false sense of security that denies

The existence of a broken heart

healing slowly

Rejecting those who are lonely

as they do her

With sugar coated lips that lie and deter

From truth

They are her mirror

so she goes within

Hoping it clicks and she detaches

Coming in and out of the matrix

Finally with herself again

Hoping the next time she plugs in

Every loss will feel again like a win.

existential ramblings

I am so tired and angry

Why won’t life just let me be

Leave me alone to sink

Instead of offering solace

In making my self better

All the things to be done

Just to function

Releasing oneself from this matrix

Should be treated as an act of bravery

To find the end of self to only see nothingness

It takes bravery to risk the pain of those who love you to escape this fate

What if I was weak and easy to break

Would anyone of you given me a break?

Or would you surrounded me like prey

It takes courage to face the fact

that in each of our realities we are the victim

So we all are antagonist in each others stories

We compile many virtues to tell a tale of glory

Or one of pity and betrayal

Is this existence solely to do one harm?

I know im not innocent.

Because I am just, right and pure

The more you fuck around and find out

that I’m not so sure.

Who sent me flowers or brought me a meal?

Who showed up at my door with a care package?

Who has done any of the things I would do for them?

Then I realize that I’m so imperfect.

I can’t always be there for everybody,

No matter how hard I try someone is gonna say you could have done better?

Maybe so, but maybe no.

Because I can’t and I’ve tried.

easier to run away or die.

Maybe just disappear without a trace.

Isn’t that what death is? Either way you flip it.

How could they leave me and not give me what I need?

Who is so much better than me?

Am I not enough for them to do better?

What about us? Isn’t that enough and even more?

The greatest miracle would be a divine counterpart.

Or a human who loves themselves so much that everything is always enough.

I’ll just go back to sleep and plug back in

Wake up and do it all over again.